Freedom

I've been enjoying the spring weather on the screened in porch. I like to go in and out, in and out. I don't know why this annoys my people but it does. Percy doesn't come out as much. Oh sure he likes to watch the birds and squirrels, but he gets scared of noises like lawn mowers and weed eaters. That's fine by me because I don't like him anyway.

While mommy and daddy were working in the yard yesterday, they didn't notice me slip out while they had the porch door open. Oh the freedom! I ate grass, I visited the neighbor's house, I ate more grass and threw up - it was glorious. Mommy got so mad when she saw me trotting across the yard after my escapades. She kept saying "You can't defend yourself out here with your softpaws on" and "Why do you do this to mommy?!" Whatev.

I've been working on getting a section of screen open far enough to slide out any time I want...but that's a story for another day.

Heaven and Hell

No I haven't blogged in a while but that's because some crazy stuff went down! A few weeks ago, my stupid brother starting throwing up green stuff everywhere. Normally, I'm all for throwing up, but only if it's me and if it's chunks of dry food. I might even eat my own vomit.

But this was gross folks. So mommy was giving him all this attention and then she called the freakin' vet! At first I was worried she was going to take me there, but she called for Percy. I thought "Thank God mommy's finally decided to put Percy to sleep. I've been waiting for this day." For two whole days there was no Percy, and I was really getting used to the solitude and people time.

Suddenly mommy took me to the basement and I was freakin' out. I meowed for 48 hours straight until mommy let me go back upstairs. When I got upstairs, Percy was back! I was like "WTH is this?!?" He looked really skinny and mommy and daddy were doting on him. Whatev.

It's like at first I was in heaven when he was gone but then I was in hell when I realized he came back.

Vengeance is Mine Sayeth the Cat

I've been feeling pretty agitated the past few weeks. Especially with daddy. He can be so mean sometimes! He won't ever let me lay on his [my] side of the bed. He yells at me to "go lay down" like I'm a dog! I don't take orders - I'm a cat.

He doesn't seem to understand that I am the cat and he is part of my overall staff. This has really ticked me off and yesterday I got to my breaking point. He was doing laundry and left a basket of clean clothes just sitting out. I couldn't help myself - I peed in it! I got one of his clean shirts good and soaked. Ah the thrill!

Last night he figured it out and shoved my nose in it while spanking me. This did nothing but anger me further. So I went and pooped outside the freshly cleaned litter box.

Mommy's New Blog

Once the spring storms passed my life got much better. I do my best to continue to ignore Percy and poop on Daddy's things. Mommy has really started to become a cook. The sucky thing is she never shares! She's been trying all these new recipes and making daddy happy with food. The least she could do is share with her babies. And some of these things smell really good!

Mommy's sister suggested she start a blog to keep up with the recipes and reviews of the recipes she's done, so she did. Since those little rug rats call her "Crazy Aunt Laura" that's what she's calling the blog.

http://crazyauntlaura.blogspot.com/ Enjoy!

Storms

The last few weeks have been disturbing. First, mommy went off the deep end. She went all psycho on us for no reason at all. Then just when she started getting better last week we had an awful boomer storm. I mean it was terrible. It lasted forever. While I'm not typically scared of anything, I seriously didn't like this one. It sounded like a million cats being thrown in the wind against the house.

Maybe the worst part was mommy and daddy went to the basement and left Percy and I upstairs! It was enough to deal with all the noise and flashing lights, but then Percy was all "I'm so scared Fremont" and "I'm going to hide Fremont" which just made me more agitated.

After what seemed like days but was probably hours, mommy and daddy came upstairs and went to bed. I didn't sleep much that night. And of course Percy didn't come out from under the bed until the next morning.

Ah Spring

I am so glad that the weather has changed! This means I can ask to go in and out the screened in porch as much as I want. Mommy acts like she doesn't want me to do that, but I know she secretly loves waiting on my every want and need.

I was nice enough to vomit under the bed where Mommy and Daddy couldn't find it for a few weeks. The smell threw them off and they would say "did you fart?" and would assume the other was lying. Tee hee hee.

There's a bothersome squirrel who keeps digging in the potted plants on the front porch. If I could just get out there for a few seconds I'd wring his neck! He's so nasty too with a mangy looking tail. Who walks around all dirty like that? Not me!

Poop Attack

Oh! You won't believe this one...So mommy and (gulp) daddy (I just hate having to call him that, but it makes mommy happy) were outside doing something in the yard. I told them I could help them and all but they told me to stay inside so I stayed inside and supervised from there.

After they came back inside, daddy watched tv in the den and mommy went in the office (aka cat pooper room) to do her exercise. All this time Percy is on the bed making a big dent in the memory foam. Suddenly I saw Percy get up with a startled look on his face and once he jumped off the bed I saw why - he had a poop attack! He was actually leaking poop!

Some of it dropped on the floor in the hall before he made it to the pooper room. Daddy got up to see what all the noise was about and noticed some brown stuff on the floor. He thought mommy had dragged in mud from the yard and PICKED IT UP! Didn't take long for him to realize it wasn't mud.

It was great seeing Percy poop on himself and then daddy pick it up - like a dream come true! I'll be replaying this in my mean little mind for years to come.

Normalcy

Finally, the house is starting to come back to some sense of normalcy. Mommy and her man-friend made it all legal and so he moved it. She let him move right into MY house and didn't even consult me. All his stuff is smelly and gross. The worst part was, right after they did the whole church thing they left me alone with Percy for a whole week! And they sent the older people over to give me my kitty prozac everyday.

When they got back I was excited to see Mommy at first, but then I remembered I was mad at her for leaving and gave her the paw. The only good thing the man-friend moved in was the fishies. So now I'm back to avoiding Percy's playful and annoying nature while staring at the fishies.

Bags Galore!

I am really starting to love this wedding thing mommy's doing. She comes home and brings all kinds of cool gift bags for us to play in. Big ones and small ones. Percy tried to hijack the really big, good one. I blocked him and tore off the handle - it was great.

Mommy has been really stressed out lately and not giving me my lovins. But I know that soon she will divert all of her attention back to me. And maybe Percy, but I try not to think about that.

This is what I do...all day long...

The Fishies Are Here!

Guess what?!?!?!? Mommy's man-friend moved a huge fish tank to my house the other day. Then yesterday my dreams came true - he put real live fishies in it! At first I didn't know what Percy was looking at, because he's stupid and sometimes plays with things that aren't real. But then I realized that there were real live fishies in the tank and my heart skipped a beat.

Mommy says I can only look and not touch. She even put a fortified lid on the tank. But I know - I just know - I can figure out a way to have a really good kitty snack. I barely ate or even drank my water from the faucet I have been so busy staring at the fishies.

I gotta go plot how to get in!

Kitty Cream = All kinds of good stuff

Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. Mommy hasn't let me anywhere near the computer in forever. She started putting this cream in my ear and for some reason, even though I hate it at the time, I kinda feel better later. Kinda relaxed and happier, even around her man-friend.

But I digress...I have big news to share with you. I'm getting the man-friend in a permanent way - Mommy says that he is going to officially become my daddy and that they're going to the church to make it happen. I would normally be pretty ticked off about this sort of thing, but my new cream tells me to chill and be content. I think this whole thing is why Mommy hasn't let my paws on the keyboard lately. She's been running around like a wet dog recently and acting stressed. Although she had promised me I'd never have to worry about a daddy, here it is in my face.

Aha! I have an idea! Maybe Mommy needs some of my kitty cream stuff in her ear!

Spreading Sunshine

For some reason, I have been feeling really friendly the past few days. I like to call it "spreading sunshine" to my peoples. I'm not sure why, but I seem to be in harmony with my environment and even don't mind seeing Percy prowling around the house. I actually let Mommy rub my tummy, which is typically off limits, the other night when we were snuggling.

Life is good!

She took me again!

Mommy must be very cross with me. She took me to the vet (aka Max the stabby place) again. She told the mean vet lady that I'd been acting "neurotic" and that I was pooping outside the box. So what? I don't like the box, and I especially don't like to share it with Percy. Oh she tried a new covered box, thinking I wanted more privacy, but really I poop outside the box because I don't like my environment to change. And lately, her man-friend has been visiting and I super-don't like him.

He has the audacity to call Percy his "buddy" - whatever. Percy is no one's buddy, he's just so dumb he actually likes humans. When we were at the vet's, I made sure that the vet lady knew I didn't like her so I bit her a few times. Not too hard, where Mommy might spank me, but a pretty firm clinch so she knew I was not happy with the situation.

After I was safely back in my carrier, I heard the vet tell Mommy "Fremont just needs some mood-altering medication to be balanced." Say what??!?! What the heli-copter does that mean??!!

Real dead fresh fish

Mommy went away for either four days or four years - I can't tell which one but it seemed like forever. She left me there with Percy! Then she had that vet friend come feed me and give me water and I hate vets! She smelled like other kitties, dogs and big animals. I was beginning to wonder if Mommy would ever come back...

I heard Mommy say before she left that she was going to the forest. I'm not sure why she wouldn't take me since she knows I love to smell the outdoors and sneak out all the time. But she packed up everything and wouldn't even let me dig in her bag. I wanted to hide under all the clothes so I could go with her. Percy slept the whole time she was gone and I was nervous so I licked and licked and licked.

The licking helped me prepare for when she got back so that I could surprise her with a big pile of kitty vomit. It was huge - one of my better presents. She smelled very strange when she got back. And her man-friend brought in real dead fresh fish!!! Real ones! I assumed they were for me but then he put them in the freezer - wtf?! I'm sure he's just saving them for my birthday or something. Why would any human want to eat real dead fresh fish?

Who are all these people?

On Saturday Mommy and her man-friend were acting really strange. They got up really really early - so early that I didn't even beg for water - and were going up and down the basement steps. Now, I've never personally been in the basement, but I hear there is much to hunt down there.

They took all this junk and put it outside and then all these people came and took it away. There were so many people and it made me nervous because they weren't coming to see me, like most people do. They were coming to buy Mommy's junk and I didn't like it. At first I begged to be on the screened in deck, but then I could actually hear all the people better and I didn't like that. So I went back inside and ended up on the couch, where I could keep an eye on Percy and the people outside.

The good, the bad, and the ugly

There's the good, the bad and the ugly from this weekend.

The good was that Mommy came home from PetSmart with new cat nip. Gorgeous, smelly, wonderful nip!!

The bad was that Mommy brought us a new scratching post and Percy rubbed his nasty smell all over it. I'm not getting near it.

The ugly is that Mommy's man-friend sprayed some horrid smell on the couch so we wouldn't scratch it.

What a wonderful weekend I had! Mommy was outside with my pseudo-daddy doing yard stuff and I sat in the window and watched the whole time. I'm sure she could have used my help, but for some reason she didn't ask for it.

The only bad part to the weekend was when my couch and bed were taken away and replaced with new ones. WTF?! I had to smell for a really long time and Percy kept getting in my way. I tried to mark both with my claws but Mommy put a stop to that. So now whenever she leaves I run over to the arm of the new couch (aka my new humongo kitty bed) and scratch away.

Has Spring Sprung?

Final-freakin'-ly! I've been waiting for spring to get here forever. Finally over the weekend the cat gods looked upon me with favor and gave me sunshine! Mommy let us go out on the deck for most of the day and I took all my many baths in the sun. Percy acted like an idiot and kept rolling around in the sun like he'd never seen it before. He's such an idiot.

The cat gods giveth, and they also taketh away. This morning I woke up to rain and cold (again). I think I need to pray harder.

Bad Trip

I was tricked! Mommy DID take me to the stabby place. It was one of the worst experiences of my life! First she put me in the soft-sided prison. Then when we got there and were waiting another cat - some dude named Bandit - was sniffing at me. I told him to back away. Not sure why he thinks I would like other cats.

The monster (aka the vet) took me back to weigh me and then stuck something up my arse. I made noises you didn't even realize existed. Why would mommy subject me to this? The monster wrapped me in this towel that smelled like other cats and brought me back into a room where mommy was. I made my dragon kitty noises and they gave me a shot.

When mommy finally took me home I thought "Ok, home is good. All the hurt is over." I was wrong. The monster gave mommy something to stick down my throat everyday! I absolutely hate it so I make sure to let mommy know every time she attempts to give it to me.

There was one small thing that the monster gave mommy...something mommy plugged into the wall and it smelled awesome! It made me feel relaxed and not quite as neurotic as usual. I heard mommy say it was "kitty pheromones" - I don't care what she calls it as long as it stays.